There are days when I get caught up grasping for control, and I grow weary and anxious because it seems far beyond my reach.
The way I know I’m having one of these days is because I question every decision, analyze every answer, and feel guilty for stupid things like spontaneously stopping at In-N-Out for french fries.
Yesterday was one of those days.
The peak of my anxiety came when I got stuck in traffic on my way to Target. I was in a rush–eager for precious time to myself while Anna played with a babysitter. Sitting in traffic felt like a waste of money and time. I had so many other important things to do! Soon I found myself questioning every decision I’d made that day. I should have taken a different road. I should have planned out my afternoon better. I shouldn’t have volunteered to bring graham crackers to church childcare tomorrow which would have saved me a trip to Target. I shouldn’t be having someone watch Anna to begin with… I should be at home in the backyard with my baby playing in the sunshine.
The voices in my head can steal my peace if I let them.
The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
It doesn’t hurt enough to make me forget
One moment of relief is never long enough
To keep the voices in my head
From stealing my peace
It’s time, time to let you go
Perfection has a price
But I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win
Control by JJ Heller
When I ran into Target the phone rang. Jonathan. The results from his PET scan had come back already–and with happiness in his voice he shared the all clear! No cancer. A healthy body. Winning a fight he has little control over. Life is certainly given a new perspective after such a phone call.
As I walked out of Target, my mood so different than when I’d parked the car minutes before, my eyes filled with tears. I am so grateful for Jonathan’s life, our life, and our new life to come.
As much as I’d like to believe that yesterday’s traffic anxiety was in no way connected to Jonathan’s scan, I’m certain it was. My grasping for control in the little things was an unconscious response to not being able to control the the biggest thing of all: Jonathan’s health.
For the next four years our family gets frequent reminders that life is not in our hands. Scans force us to pray more, hope more and trust more. I can embrace these opportunities as chances to abandon myself to God’s leading or I can continue to try and do things on my own.
But, why should I? If He’s in the big things, He’s in the little things too.