And now begins a new series called, “How we’re doing today.” I’m starting with volume 1, and I anticipate there will be more volumes to come in the months ahead. Unless of course God miraculously heals Jonathan, which we believe is definitely possible, in which case we can just look back with a little chuckle and say, “Oh, remember that one time we thought you had cancer and then it went away and we lived happily ever after?” Yeah, that would be awesome.
So, how are we? Well, thank you for asking…because a lot of you have…and I apologize if we’ve given you this weird look or sorta laughed but not answered. Don’t take it personally. For Jonathan, he honestly doesn’t really know how he feels. It’s hard for a guy like him to be in the spotlight, and, he’s not usually one to talk publicly about his feelings which makes this all so much harder. Now, we all know that I process my feelings fairly publicly so it’s easier for me to answer the “How are you?” question. And yet, it’s still complicated too. We are worried but don’t want to be, tired but can’t sleep, (for a variety of reasons!) and hopeful but not as much as we wish we were. We have moments of total normalcy- like having friends over for dinner- followed by evenings of deep sorrow where we go to bed feeling exhausted, and defeated, and bummed out.
Jonathan is most certainly still processing. I am a little further ahead and have moved into the protector role which involves doing lots of research about everything from when and how to get a second opinion, where the best hospitals are, what our insurance covers and doesn’t cover, and how I can get my baby to take more consistent naps, because, UGH, she is still not sleeping as much as Mama thinks she should be. Bless her little heart.
I was talking to my aunt Lynn earlier this week about getting a second opinion on whatever doctor’s find during Jonathan’s biopsy. (I also called the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society who gave me incredible information about how to go about getting a second opinion, and applying for financial aid for our upcoming medical bills…but more on that another time.) Anyway, Lynn’s husband, my uncle Bill, was a Navy Seal during Vietnam. This is what she told me:
“I’ve asked Bill about the hardest part of being a Seal. You know what he said? The waiting. Once he was on the mission—he was okay. Instinct kicks in, and the training pays off. You fight and you don’t think about it. You just do it. But when he was out in the middle of the dark ocean waiting for a submarine to pick him up, wondering when it would come and if it would come, that’s when he could start to go crazy.”
So, in a nutshell, if you want to know how we’re doing…well…I feel like we’re waiting for our submarine right now. We have our HOPE in God’s provision and care, but it doesn’t mean we aren’t still floating around in the middle of the dark ocean waiting for Him to come pick us up and rescue us.
We are so, so thankful for the calls/emails/cupcakes/flowers/babysitting,etc. that we’ve been receiving. AND-thanks to Jonathan’s big win at the office costume competition- we got out last night to a fabulous, romantic dinner. We might have talked about the big C for a lot of the night but it felt really, really good to just be out together, dressed up, and refreshed.
These days, I’m ending most days with a simple prayer, and I pray it over you as well: Lord, please give us just enough wisdom, and strength, and faith, and trust for tomorrow. Amen.