It is good that God is forgiving, because I’ve been awfully crabby lately. I think it’s a combination of a lot of things– mainly me being very busy at work, putting too much pressure on myself to succeed (whatever that means) and trying to be perfect.
I’ve always had this tendency to attempt perfection. It’s funny, the busier and more stressed life is the more that I try to control everything to make sure I’m in order. I fixate on a clean kitchen. I believe I’m not cooking enough fresh and healthy meals. I’m convinced I’m not worth what I make at work; that I must stay longer and work harder. I get angry at the birds who decided to use my car as their toilet and ask, “Why? Why did they choose my car right after I washed it?” I come home at the end of every day and I want a weekend. The nights are never long enough to accomplish all that I want to do: catch up with friends, cook a long meal, watch Brothers & Sisters, volunteer, write a book, get toned, read my bible, get decent sleep, watch the evening news. You get it…
Sometimes, I have a hard time just breathing in the smell of spring. Laying in bed long enough to enjoy the chatter of birds out my window. Feeling the warm pavement under my bare feet. Reading on the porch. Writing a letter to a friend.
Jonathan is in the middle of finals. We always fight during finals because he’s stressed out and busy and then I convince myself our marriage is falling apart. It’s very dramatic for about six days and then it goes back to normal… you’d think I’d learn to control my emotions and realize it will all end, but I tend to forget each finals season. On Friday we went on a sushi date and drowned our long week in raw fish. It made us both feel better. The end is in sight. In exchange is a long, hot summer on the horizon that is full of weekends away, beautiful weddings, floating the river, and barbecues. I can’t wait!
This blog isn’t one of my best. It’s mostly just to announce the strange state I’m in right now… thankful for all the goodness of life and God’s provisions yet confessing that sometimes, most of the time, I’m not perfect. The days can be long and hard. I’m still learning how to be an adult and I’m pretty sure I’ll never figure it out. I’m thankful for His promises to us that He is near and faithful, that He knows our heart and meets us where we’re at, that He’s been here, He understands. He doesn’t ask for perfection but He does ask us to seek Him, to grow in Him. It’s sure not an easy process.