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Anticipating Easter

by Lesley on April 4, 2012

This year, I’m counting down to Easter.

At first the anticipation was rooted in my devoted quest to avoid dessert for 40 days. This lasted about two weeks until I gave into the Girl Scout cookies Jonathan left on the counter. I won’t blame the whole problem on him because I suppose I could have started new again, but, it just wasn’t working for me.

Then, the anticipation shifted towards something much more admirable: the perfect outfit.

When I was a little girl, Easter was marked by a new dress, a cute hat, clickity clack shiny shoes, and a big basket full of goodies. Rainy Easter Sundays of recent years, however, found me rummaging through my closet looking for something airy and pastel to wear, then finally settling on a nice skirt and a fine old sweater. This year, I wanted to make sure that Easter didn’t feel like any other Sunday. Maybe a new outfit would help?

On Friday night I put baby girl to bed, gave Jonathan a box of apple juice and the remote, and headed off to Target where I planned to spend the $30 gift card Lori gave me for my birthday. A whole uninterrupted hour of shopping yielded two dresses, both on sale. I was practically jumping up and down in the dressing room at my good fortune. I thought about Anna’s cute little Gap dress, Mary Jane’s and snazzy Etsy headband. This year, we were ready for Easter.

***

A few days after my Target spree, it was Palm Sunday. I struggled out the door for church, late, as has become the norm in recent months. Anna was in her heavy car seat over one arm, the diaper bag over the other. Jonathan was nauseous and struggling to get out of bed. I was feeling sorry for myself having to attend church alone, while subsequently feeling guilty because Jonathan was being kind and well mannered despite recovering from chemo. When I got to church, empty and tired, I gratefully found a seat next to Shane and Anna. Then I looked around and took in the morning.

Our church has a new location–an actual church building with pews and real stained glass windows–where the light streams in on Sunday mornings making it both unnecessary and impossible to dim the lights to create a “worship experience.” While I’m used to meeting in office buildings and gymnasiums, I love that our new church building is straight out of an episode of 7th Heaven. Everything about the space is different from our past location, including the need to climb over people’s laps if I need to use the restroom and the one window pane that doesn’t match with all the others.

I’ve thought a lot about that window pane, and today was no exception. I’ve wondered how it happened, and decided it was likely the result of a stray baseball many years ago when children were playing in the courtyard. At first, that window really bothered me. The bright red coloring stands out from all the other pastel panes like a wound needing attention. Someone was too lazy to repair it in the way it should be repaired, I thought. It seems so wrong for a beautiful building to not be treated with more reverence and respect.

But, there’s another side of me that really likes that bright red window pane. So many churches, and so many Christians, focus more on outward appearances rather than our hearts. We try to follow the rules, and dress things up, and do the good deeds–chasing a tidy and nice God, a feel good faith and a predictable life. We clean up the broken windows before the glass can hurt anyone else.

Yet our God didn’t hang on the cross so that we could be blessed with an easy life. He came because we are all hurting people who trudge in on average Sundays carrying burdens too heavy for our own frail backs. We bring in our addictions, and illness, and betrayal and worries about measuring up and making enough. We come tired and lonely, confused and convicted. We arrive feeling like everyone else is a beautiful piece of a pastel glass tapestry and we are the lone red window pane that doesn’t fit in with the rest.

Perhaps that’s why the crimson window pane doesn’t bother me like it did at a first glance. In one piece of mismatched glass I see myself, and I see the crimson blood of Jesus, who gave me the redemption I so desperately need.

I might be wearing a new dress this Sunday, but I’m reminded that the real Easter story is one of broken people and new life. Hallelujah, He has Risen!

{ 7 comments }

Understanding

by Lesley on April 1, 2012

in cancer

Daffodils are back at Trader Joe’s.

Nothing says spring like daffodils, especially when they are only $1.50.

I bought some for all of our neighbors, then packed Anna up in her stroller for our afternoon deliveries.

Shirley lives across the street and she brought us flowers last fall when she learned about Jonathan’s diagnosis, and she also cooked us soup on that one horrible weekend when I had the stomach flu and Jonathan had just finished his first chemo treatment.

Shirley has lived on our street since the homes were built in the late 1940s, and she’s shown me lots of pictures of the family who used to own our home. They were friends, their two families. She has seen cancer before. It has been in this home before we arrived. It has been in her home too.

I don’t like to think about how cancer ended their friendship just months before we moved in. Instead, I like thinking about all the memories created on this street over the 60 years these families did life together. I like to think about how she walked to the park with her young children, just as I do now with Anna. I like to think about her Meyer lemon tree when it was just a tiny shrub, long before it began producing the bounty of yellow treasures it does today.

She sent me home with some of those lemons today. Yellow blooms in exchange for yellow fruit. We may not be the best of friends, but we share something that few people do. Understanding.

Image credit to artist anthony ulinski

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Baby swim lessons, One Fine Day, and Lotto suicide

by Lesley on March 30, 2012

in feel good friday

I’m signing up Anna and I for Mommy and Me swim classes. I did it as a baby and loved it (so I’m told). More importantly, with our uncoordinated genes, the girl could use a little head start in the balance department.

Church is bigger than the church. Amen!

DIY Button earrings. So cute!

Jonathan bought into his office lotto pool. When he came home and told me I sorta FREAKED OUT, became convinced we were going to win, and then became convinced it was going to ruin our lives. For a healthy, biblical look at the lotto, read this Piper article: The Mega Millions Lottery is a Suicidal Craze

I’m bald and I know it. (This kid is super cute, and super inspiring.)

It’s supposed to rain tomorrow. With chemo man stuck on the couch, we may just stay inside all day and watch movies. This list of 10 Best Movies to Watch on a Rainy Day neglects to include my favorite…One Fine Day!

{ 2 comments }

More than you’ll ever know

by Lesley on March 29, 2012

in friends,travel

Once upon a starry night in Colorado, exactly nine March’s ago, the gals in this picture made a sacred commitment that I would count as one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

In Amy’s parents’ bubbling jacuzzi we decided that our spring break road trip could not and would not be our only adventure together. It was just the beginning, we decided, of many years of travel together. I remember all of us discussing the difficulty of such a dream–jobs that might not offer vacation days, bank accounts drained by school loans, perhaps future babies who needed their mamas. Yes, it would be difficult. We knew so and it has been so. But, none of us have ever regretted the effort required to nurture our relationships in a way that no email, phone calls or texting can.

And so, here is a peak at this year’s adventure!

Colorado has been the scene for many girls’ trips. With three of the seven of us living there, it’s often the cheapest option. It also makes the most sense when those three girls continue to get pregnant and have babies requiring us to come to them. Their babies are super cute so we don’t mind a bit.

This year, since Anna is still breastfeeding, she came with me. I love the girl to pieces but please remind me not to bring her or any future babies with me on a girls weekend ever again. She was great on the flights, and smilier than ever, but she also discovered THE WHINE which went on an on all weekend especially when I sat her down or left the room. Clingy, much? Teething? Who knows.

The good news is, after discovering the whine, she also discovered the wave. I don’t think I’ll ever forget saying to the gals, ” I think Anna just started waving hi!” and they all said, in unison, “HIIIII Anna” and then she waved. So.Cute. (Let’s NOT discuss how she also developed a fear of airport restrooms and dogs over the weekend. Sigh.)

Here she is, sporting her “Westmont Sweetie” shirt from Katie. It seemed appropriate for the weekend.

After hanging out with Amy, Danny, Brady and Addy on Thursday–we made our way to Boulder on Friday. Anne’s mom watched the little ones so we could nosh on Tapas and Sangria at The Med. I insisted we stop on the way back to her house for Bluebell ice cream which paired nicely with mini bundt cakes. No regrets.

On Saturday we stopped at the Salvation Army for a Thrift Store Scavenger Hunt. With babies, budgets and cold weather in mind, we had prepared to spend a decent amount of time inside. Erin came up with the idea of making crafts. A quick look at my “DIY Board” on Pinterest had me giddy with options. We all stocked up on old t-shirts, plates, mugs and a few other items including a $4 pair of J. Crew shorts I managed to squeeze into because it was 80 degrees. So much for cold weather, eh?

Jonathan’s parents let us use their timeshare in Estes Park which made life a bit easier in the whole sleeping baby department. Anna, her friend Jada, and their baby monitors, were just around the corner for naps and early bedtimes throughout the weekend. Jada belongs to Erin and Mike, and she’s only six weeks younger than Anna. And yes, we did intentionally bring matching outfits for them to wear on Sunday. Just as our moms forced Erin and I to be friends in junior high, so too will Anna and Jada.

My favorite part of the picture above is Jenny’s commentary upon taking it. “Here, Erin, put the blanket around your shoulder so you look like a mom.” (As if the lack of showers and our barely combed hair don’t already indicate our mom status…)

So, what else did we do? Well, we made t-shirt headbands, these and these vases, some personalized mugs and plates, and (copied) this incredible mobile for Shailyn’s nursery. In between crafting we ate really yummy meals like Lori’s Thai Sweet Sticky Rice, and Anne’s curry soup, and Amy’s carrot berry smoothies, and Katie and Erin’s homemade lasagna. During each meal we’d discuss one question such as, “Who is one person who has influenced you the most over the last year?” and “What was the biggest unexpected blessing in this last year?” Of course, most meals then also included crying, and saying things like, “Why am I crying right now?” followed by giggles. Any men reading this post right now are rolling their eyes. Yup, I get it. We’re so cliche. As if our intentional questions weren’t enough, we also read a book together before hand and spent some time chatting through each chapter. I highly recommend The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller. Really, you should read it.

We also went on an all out hunt for Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory, and stopped by Belts of Estes so I could collect another buckle for Jonathan’s tacky (yet growing) collection which Sam inspired years ago.

I came back on Tuesday to a clean house and a happy husband. I may not have come home as physically refreshed as I usually would (thanks, baby girl!) but I sure did leave feeling encouraged and loved. In fact, I got so excited for next year’s trip that I’ve already e-mailed a travel agent about booking a cruise! As much as I love my girls’ homemade food, we’re tired and want someone else to do the work for us. Counting down to next spring, gals!

…Our past trips…2011 wedding reunion in Santa Cruz, 2010 in Palm Desert, 2010 wedding reunion in Irvine, 2009 in Denver, 2008 trip to Denver, 2007 in Arizona, 2006 in New York, 2004 in Denver, 2003 in Hawaii and Denver.

P.S. Need a good friend song? Our “song” is Watermark’s More Than You’ll Ever Know. Give it a download people!

{ 8 comments }

Guest Post: Resurrecting Anxiety

by Lesley on March 28, 2012

in books,christianity

I have experienced anxiety at various points over the last few years. It’s an awful feeling that creeps up unannounced. I often have difficulty placing the emotion until weeks have gone by when I don’t feel like myself. When my friend Tammy asked if she could write a post about a new book around this subject, I was so happy to say yes. If you can identify with feelings of anxiety, I’d love to hear from you in the comment section or hop over to Tammy’s blog to connect with her personally. She’s also on Twitter. Thanks, Tammy!

Anxiety is not something Christians like to admit they struggle with. We often try to hide our battles with anxiety, afraid others will interpret us as weak – or worse, spiritually immature. I know I have worried that others would judge my concerns, and me, in this way.

About two years ago I moved across California with my husband for his medical residency program. Though I was too embarrassed to admit it at the time, the move was extremely anxiety provoking for me. When we left San Diego, I was in the middle of a doctoral program in Communication and I had a lot of questions about how I was going to continue my studies from 500 miles away. So many things that used to feel grounded seemed up in the air: my research project, my funding, even my professional goals.

All the uncertainty in my life led to worry, worry led to doubt, and doubt led to shame. How could I claim to have faith in God’s plan, yet feel so nervous and fearful? I concluded that my anxiety was a sign of spiritual and emotional failings.

But what if I had it wrong? What if anxiety isn’t about weakness, but rather the potential for supernatural strength? What freedom and hope could come from such an understanding!

Recently, my friend and former college pastor, Rhett Smith, has challenged me to look at my worries and fears in this way. Rhett, now a marriage and family therapist in Plano, Texas, has helped me to stop seeing anxiety as an indicator of an inadequate faith, and to view it instead as a tool for growth. I’m beginning to reconceptualize anxiety as something that compels us to rely on God so that He can guide us through uncertainty and into action.

Rhett recently wrote a book– The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good – and if you have ever felt shame because of battles with anxiety, you need to hear its message.

God is all about transformation, and anxiety is just one of many things that God is making new. If you feel uneasy or fearful, God is walking with you, ready to renew your spirit and mind and to help you envision a new life in which you embrace the freedom He has given you.

Part memoir and part handbook, The Anxious Christian offers encouragement and counsel on how we can partner with God to channel our anxiety in ways that help, rather than hinder, personal and spiritual growth. Rhett explains how God can resurrect unhealthy anxiety – which leaves us frozen by worry and indecisiveness – and restore it as healthy anxiety – which forces us to confront our doubts and take action. Through this we learn that anxiety is something we should press into, not run away from.

The Anxious Christian offers theological discussion, personal reflection, and practical exercises to help us:

Embrace the anxiety that comes with life’s transitions as a catalyst for development
Identify and analyze negative coping patterns in order to alter emotional and behavioral ruts
Reimagine anxiety as a way God can speak to us and to compel us into action
Pursue God through anxiety and allow Him to shape our identity and undertakings
Intentionally foster practices that fortify our heart, strength, mind, attitude, and prayer life
Create healthy boundaries necessary for self-care and service
Regulate our emotions and responses through self-soothing and relational refinement

Do you want God to transform every part of you, including your emotions and feelings, so that you can live an abundant and free life? I know I do. And thanks to Rhett, I’m beginning to understand – on a practical level – what Paul meant when he said:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)