crib shoe

I was really blown away by the response to my post last week about there not being a one-sized fits all method for raising kids. You guys, that post has been floating around in my head for MONTHS but I knew I wanted to say it well, and write it right, and offer encouragement to anyone feeling alone. Based on the huge number of likes on Facebook, I think it resonated with a few of you. Thank you for saying so and making me feel less alone.

I wish I had the energy and time to write posts like that all the time. Unfortunately, today, I have about 15 minutes before Owen wakes up and my blogging time is done for the day. And so, I bring you, a quick list of gift ideas for second babies.

When Owen was born I decided not to register again for baby items. I’d registered for my wedding, and registered for Anna’s birth, and I felt uncomfortable registering again for another baby. I don’t know what the etiquette is on this but it just didn’t feel right for us. We were blessed with very generous and unique gifts after he was born. A lot of people gave us items that I’d never have thought to purchase!

Here are a few gift ideas for second babies:

1. Carter’s Footie Pajamas : I like having lots of pajamas on hand for my kids. They grow so fast in the first year, and they spit-up and poop like nobodies business. In my opinion, there is no such thing as too many pajamas. Get the zip-up kind for faster diaper changes and don’t be afraid to gift these in larger sizes.

Which brings me to my next point…

2. Bigger sized clothing : Everyone loves buying newborn outfits, but a lot of babies outgrow the newborn size quickly. And until kids are between 3-6 months old, they live in onesies and pajamas. If you’re going to spend money on an adorable outfit, buy them in 6-12 month sizes, or even 12 months and up, and think about the appropriate season too. This is especially important for a mom who is having a different gender baby than her first, or who is having a baby born in the opposite season.

3. Burp cloths : I feel about burp cloths the way I feel about pajamas…which is…there is no such thing as too many! My favorite kind are the aden + anais muslin burpy bib because they’re so soft and can also be used to catch drool during the teething months. (I also love all the homemade options on Etsy!) This is a particularly good option to buy for the mom who is having a different gender than her first.

4. The Robeez crib shoe : Perfect for the crawler/early walker stage because these shoes actually stay on kids’ feet. My children were gifted adorable baby shoes but barely wore them because they rarely stay on their little feet. If you’re going to buy shoes, get Robeez or something similar. I promise the person you’re buying for will love this gift.

5. A unique winter hat : This is one of my favorite things to buy a new baby. I’m partial to all the sweet animal options on Etsy. This elephant is a favorite because the gray would match with almost anything.

6. Monogrammed bath towels: We have these Pottery Barn towels, but all of their animal option are also so stink’ cute.  Baby #2 might wear a lot of hand-me-downs, but he/she shouldn’t have to share a bath towel!

7. Gift for mama : There is nothing sweeter than a pedicure gift certificate or a new robe for the hospital. My friend Sharon bought me a small Serena and Lily clutch to hold my wallet and phone so that I could easily transfer all my personal items between diaper bag and purse. Thoughtful and practical!

8. Money towards a double stroller : Because mommies needs to get out of the house, and double strollers are pricey!

Still need a few more ideas? Unique artwork for the nursery / HALO sleepsacksTrumpette socks

What’s your favorite gift to buy new babies?

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Baby Birthday Boy

by Lesley on July 13, 2014 · 7 comments

in owen

Today is our sweet boy’s birthday. One full year since he entered our world and changed our family for the better. One full year of cuddles. One full year of snuggles. One full year of love and laughter and learning to be his mama.  Today is a special day because he made it, and we made it, and we celebrate the little boy he is becoming while mourning the last days of his babyhood.

One of my favorite things to do for my kids’ birthdays is to make them a short slideshow documenting their year. Hopefully JJ Heller keeps coming out with new albums because I’ve used her songs for Anna’s first and second year movies, and you’ll hear her singing in Owen’s first year show. (Watch until the end and you’ll get a quick peak at the party we had for him yesterday! I’ll post a few more pictures tomorrow.)

Owen’s First Year from Lesley Miller on Vimeo.

 

Owen in numbers

Number of pounds at birth: 9.5

Number of pounds at one year: 24

Number of times he fell out of his high chair this year: 1

Number of teeth: 6

Number of haircuts in the first year of life: 5

Number of airplane flights: 5

Number of homes he’s lived in: 2

Number of colds: TOO MANY TO COUNT, THANK YOU SISSY

Number of minutes in his newborn sleep cycle: 28

Number of smiles per day: 75+

Number of times he’s picked up per day: does he ever get put down?

Number of stairs he fell down at his grandparents’ house: 8

Number of words: 2 (Dada, Mama)

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Last June, on the fourth morning of a three-day intensive potty training bootcamp, I got woken up by a little girl with wet eyes and wet sheets. After a half hour spent changing undies, cleaning the crib and consoling the trainee, I waddled (8+ months pregnant!) to the front door, tip-toed to the car, and cried the entire way to IHOP.  My body ached from running Anna to the potty all weekend and wiping up missed attempts. But worse, my ego was bruised and my heart hurt. The book said if I followed the instructions exactly, training should only take three days. The book said she was old enough. The book said not to give up. The book promised.

But it wasn’t clicking, not even a little bit. Meanwhile, my sweet girl was crying in frustration and shame. She wanted so badly to follow my instructions but she simply couldn’t do it.

On that terrible summer morning, on the fourth day of potty training, I felt like the worst mother in the world. Not only had potty training been terribly unsuccessful, I’d bruised my child’s confidence in the process. I needed alone time with God, and I needed pancakes. It had been one doozy of a weekend.

Motherhood at its best is butterfly kisses and early morning snuggles and bath-time giggles. Motherhood at its worst is when you try, and try, and try to teach what is good and right, only to be met by resistance or failure. 

After a few hours at IHOP I drove home and fished all of Anna’s diapers out of our trashcans. I’d thrown them away, like the book commanded, because failure wasn’t an option. And yet in the wise part of my mama heart I knew my daughter better than a book knew her. Anna hadn’t failed potty training, she was simply too young and needed more time.

I’d like to say that I learned my lesson that weekend, but months later I found myself back in a similar predicament with Owen. At three weeks old, my baby began taking shorter and shorter naps until every nap cycle became 28 minutes long and nighttime wakings increased from one time a night, to four or five. I’d read the sleep books, I believed in nap schedules, and I was following their instructions like science. But nothing was working.

I’ll never forget telling a group of women at church that I could use some prayer because my baby was barely sleeping, and one of them responded by saying, “We never had sleep issues with any of our children because we followed Babywise.” (Translation: If you were a good mom, and followed the directions, you wouldn’t be having sleep problems right now.)

I wanted to scream, “I’ve READ the book. I’ve TRIED the book. I BELIEVED the book. But either I’m stupid or the book is wrong because it’s not working for us this time around!” 

When Owen turned six months old, we began making a lot of changes to his sleeping arrangements. Someday I’ll write about everything we did, but, without a doubt the most important change we made was simple, free, and available to every mama around the world.

We began praying for wisdom.

You see, when it came to sleep training (and potty training!) I did plenty of research and soaked up all sorts of knowledge. I knew the various methods and approaches, and all the pros and cons that came with each. After I read everything I formed an attitude that there was a right and wrong way to train children, and if I went about things the right way then I’d have success and if I went about things the wrong way there’d be failure.

An older friend challenged me one day in the winter months. She said, essentially, “I can give you all kinds of advice and tricks that have worked for me, and some of them will probably work with your children. But there is no magic formula. The most powerful thing you can do is ask God for his wisdom.”

And so I have.

Who are these little people, dear God? Reveal their personalities and their weaknesses. Show me where they struggle and what makes them thrive. Help me understand why they wake and why they sleep. Help me see the subtle things I’m missing. Show me how to love and train them as individuals, not statistics on the page of a book. 

Since I began praying for parenting wisdom, I’ve already watched God answer by showing me tiny things that each of my children need to thrive. These moments of realization have been subtle but spot on. He has taken me–beat-up, bruised and doubting my mothering skills–and blown encouragement and life back into my soul. I gave these children to you temporarily, He says. They are a gift. Treasure them and teach them, never losing sight of the fact that you are not in this alone. I will help. Just ask.   

God is showing me, time and time again, there is not a one size fits all solution for training children. There aren’t any verses in the bible about sleep training or potty training just like there’s nothing advocating an Atkins diet over a Weight Watchers plan. What works for some does not work for all. Should we learn from those who’ve gone before us? Absolutely. Should we buy into a one-size fits all parenting plan? Absolutely not.

If you’re a mama with young children, please learn from my mistakes. I’m going to to say something right now that I hope you’ll never forget:

Training children takes time, effort, hard work, skill, patience and failure. That’s why we use the word TRAINING. If you’re reading parenting materials that make you feel bad if your child doesn’t fit into their definition of success, put the book down. If you’re reading parenting advice that makes you feel like a bad mother, put the book down. If you’re receiving parenting feedback from well intentioned strangers who suggest all children are made the same, shout FIRE and then run.

You, Mama, were created with special gifts, talents and wisdom to meet the needs of your unique children. You know more than you think you do, and you serve a God who is willing and able to help when you’re not sure what to do next. Ask for His help, seek His wisdom.

If you can’t hear him very well, just head to IHOP. He met me there one time.

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Cover_JulyAug_2014

I’ve made the announcement on various other places like Facebook and LinkedIn, but I forgot to tell you all some BIG news in my writing career. In mid-April I became the editor of Kidaround Magazine, a local lifestyle magazine for Sacramento families.

Yes, you read that correctly. I’m editing a magazine based in Sacramento while living in Santa Barbara. How did that happen, you ask? It’s a crazy story.

Last fall, soon after I had Owen, my friend Josh e-mailed me. I met Josh about six years ago, at a Tweetup of all places. At the time he was running a social network for moms, MomFaves, and while I wasn’t a mom (yet!) the concept struck me as ingenious. He’d graduated from a Christian school similar to Westmont, and he was a family man with strong values. We exchanged information and decided to keep in touch. Eventually he decided to pursue a new career path, shutting down MomFaves and starting his own marketing agency. I planned to work for him somewhat regularly after having Anna but once Jonathan got his cancer diagnosis I decided to hunker down at home to concentrate on family.

Over the past several years, Josh and I made a point to stay in touch. He invited me to his new offices last year for a tour, and he has checked-in occasionally with freelance opportunities, most of which I turned down. I’ve been busy pursuing my book and the timing to work for him didn’t seem right. He graciously understood.

Last fall, Josh reached out to me again and asked to talk about MomFaves. He’d been approached by a local parenting publication, Kidaround, and wanted to pick my brain about the potential of integrating MomFaves into the publication.  I’ve always loved Kidaround–it’s a beautifully designed bi-monthly magazine I’ve read for years, and over the course of our phone call both of us became very excited about the potential for MomFaves 2.0.  Josh asked if I’d like to be involved somehow and initially I said no. I was writing a book, and the baby cried a lot, and I wasn’t showering enough. But Josh was persistent. For some reason, I agreed to volunteer an hour every Friday to talk with him about the social network. Something about MomFaves made me excited. I liked using my brain in a different way, and I couldn’t ignore a nagging feeling that I needed to be involved, at least for the time being.

From October through February, Josh and I planned and brainstormed and dreamed. All along the way, I kept telling Jonathan: “I have no time for this, and I’m not sure what it will lead to, and I’m not even sure I want it to lead to something. I just know I’m supposed to be part of this right now.”

In February, when Jonathan got his job news and we decided to move, Josh and I were in the early stages of negotiating a partnership with Kidaround Magazine and MomFaves. I showed up at his office for a meeting and said, “Um, our family is suddenly moving to Santa Barbara and I’d love to take on about 10 hours of freelance work each week to help us afford the very expensive city we’re moving to.”  

Josh laughed and said, “I was going to ask you if you’d be interested in working about 10 hours a week for us. I have a new client who wants a female Christian copywriter to help with their blog.”

By the end of March, when we moved to Santa Barbara, I’d already lined up childcare for my kids and begun work for Josh. The money he agreed to pay me each month was exactly what we needed to cover the big jump in monthly rent for our home in Santa Barbara. My job was just one more light on the runway during our very quick move.

But, you’re probably still wondering how I became Kidaround’s editor. Just a few weeks after we moved, Kidaround’s current publisher decided to pursue a new career opportunity and she backed out on our partnership. Instead, she offered the publication to Josh and his wife. He called me one weekend and asked to take the editor role. At first I resisted, because, hello, I now live in Santa Barbara plus the job seemed like it needed more than 10 hours a week. But, after some convincing and prayer, I decided to take the opportunity.

I’ve been working on the publication since mid-April, and I helped with much of the May/June issue. While I’m really proud of our camping issue, I’m even more excited to show you our July/August back-to-school issue which is the first issue I’ve worked on from start to finish. Our feature story–parties for moms on the first day of school–was styled by a friend I met at Mom’s Connection, Tegan. I love that our cover photo is real moms, not models, and it’s taken right in the heart of midtown. If you read the piece you’ll notice we try to focus on creating ideas and encouragement for all types of moms, regardless of whether you work inside or outside the home, or the ages of your children.

We’re also debuting a new regular feature called MomFaves, allowing real moms to share their favorite products and ideas, plus a column called Heart-to-Heart where two moms tackle a subject they feel differently about but do so in a respectful and loving manner.

I can’t wait to keep you updated on what I’m learning as an editor. It’s a new job I’ve never done before and so far I’m finding it wonderfully fun and challenging. I hope, regardless of where you live, you’ll find Kidaround to be a great parenting resource. You can read our latest issue by clicking here.

Thanks for sticking with me through this long post. I hope, if anything, you’ll find delight in how God knows our path and future long before we do. I never, ever, in a million years thought a little phone conversation last fall would lead to an editing gig. I’m thankful that God just kept telling me to trust and obey, because I’m thrilled with where I’ve landed.

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IMG_0823Before I gave birth to Anna I talked to as many women as possible about their experience becoming a mom. I wanted to know everything, and so I asked things like:

How will I know I’m in labor? and When did your water break? and Where did you register and what did you register for? Will I need an Ergo or a Moby? What should I pack in my hospital bag? And so on, and so forth.

When I become pregnant with Owen, I was surprised I still had so many questions.

Will my pregnancy be harder or easier? How will I hold a toddler with a huge belly? Should I plan to have them share a room or will the baby wake her up? Will I go into labor early again, or will he be late? Will my labor be a lot faster this time around? 

One of the most wonderful parts about bringing a new life into the world is that no matter how much experience you have, and no matter how much you think you know, every baby comes with their own bit of mystery and magic. There’s no other way to describe it than that. A woman can prepare and clean and organize and take classes but there will still be surprises with every new baby.

Here are five things that surprised me immediately after Owen’s birth:

I really did love him as much as I loved Anna.  

Everyone told me I’d love my new baby as much as I loved my first, but it was still hard to believe. And yet, as soon as they placed Owen’s sweet face on my chest I became a mother all over again. Jonathan’s grandma, a mother to nine, used to say that each baby brings its own love…and I believe it. While I didn’t find pregnancy quite as magical the second time around, I did find the birth experience and his arrival to be just as special and life changing.

Afterbirth pains are really, really painful after a second baby. 

No one warned me about afterbirth pains, so excuse me for being a little big graphic and giving you a “this is how the body works” talk. After a woman gives birth, her uterus immediately begins contracting back to its pre-pregnancy size and location. It’s very important that a uterus immediately begins this work, and postpartum nurses push on a mother’s stomach several times during the first day to make sure the body is behaving accordingly. A first-time mother doesn’t usually have much pain associated with their uterus contracting, but a second-time mother will. Apparently, the pains get worse with every subsequent birth PLUS they’re much worse during nursing. I’m glad a postpartum nurse told me what to expect and encouraged me to take painkillers. You can read more here.

I bounced back faster, physically, after Owen’s birth compared to Anna’s. 

Anna and Owen’s births were very different since one involved an epidural and one did not. Jonathan was convinced I bounced back much faster after Owen’s birth and he credited the lack of epidural. I agree that I bounced back faster, but I think it had less to do with the epidural and more to do with it being my second birth. Within a few hours of arriving to a postpartum room, I’d napped and showered and nursed and wanted to see visitors. I looked like a wreck (hello broken blood vessels all over my face) but because I’d done this all before I had more confidence which seemed to help me feel better.  There’s a lot that happens in the body during the first few hours after giving birth. This time around, none of it phased me.

Nursing didn’t click immediately. 

Because I nursed Anna for about 10 months, I figured that nursing my new baby would be like riding a bike. I was a little surprised, and frustrated, that it took Owen about a day to get the hang of nursing. After all, I knew what I was doing this time around! What I needed to accept was…he didn’t! Owen kept falling off the breast or generally not acting interested. The hospital nurses reminded me that babies are often very sleepy when they arrive so I needed to just keep trying, be patient, and teach him. Sure enough, it clicked before we left the hospital.

I didn’t like Anna for a few weeks. 

Yup, I totally just admitted that I didn’t like my first baby for a few weeks after Owen was born. A lot of moms warned me that my first child would be jealous of the new baby, and it was certainly the case in our experience. We did our best to prepare her by reading books and buying her gifts from Owen, but as soon as she walked into the hospital room we could tell she was jealous. (Could there be any better proof than the photo above?) For several weeks after his birth she was very clingy with me which was hard because we had loving grandparents visiting who wanted nothing more than to entertain her while I napped. Between my raging mama bear hormones and lack of sleep, I found myself increasingly annoyed by her behavior. I wanted nothing more than to curl up on the couch with my sweet, QUIET, newborn to cuddle. (Spoiler alert: this didn’t happen nearly as much as I hoped.)

For any mamas out there who are expecting a second child, here are my three quick tips:

Prepare a “nursing bag” full of fun activities, games and toys that are only to be played with while you’re nursing. When I could, I tried to plan my nursing periods so that Anna was only awake for a few of them. We’d pull out the nursing bag during once, watch TV during the other, and have Daddy entertain during the morning and early evening periods. Sometimes, I’d try to nurse the baby while Anna ate a meal because it kept her strapped in and happy.

Don’t feel guilty turning on Thomas the Train or Frozen more often than you’d like. This is a time when you’re purely trying to survive, not win a parenting award.

Acknowledge the one thing that helps you feel like a human, and then do whatever it takes to make that one thing happen every day. In my experience, a second baby demands a different kind of strength than a first. Unlike your first child, it’s no longer an option to stay inside for two months, half dressed with spit-up running down your arm. Your toddler wants (and needs!) to get out of the house. But in order to get out of the house daily, a lot of other tasks get thrown out the window. I found that on the days I showered and got dressed, I was a much happier woman. And on the days I made my bed? Those are the days angels sang. I would encourage you to take inventory after your first two weeks. What days seemed to go well? What days didn’t go well? Did they have any common denominators you can control? Maybe, for you, a shower isn’t all that important but you feel great if you eat a healthy lunch. We’ve all got our thing. Set your expectations low for the first few months and don’t demand too much of yourself, yet do make a point to do something daily that helps you feel in control when so many other things aren’t.

I’d love to hear from you. What is something that surprised you after your second child’s birth?

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