He’s in the little things too

by Lesley on March 12, 2013 · 4 comments

in cancer,christianity

Gods in control

There are days when I get caught up grasping for control, and I grow weary and anxious because it seems far beyond my reach.

The way I know I’m having one of these days is because I question every decision, analyze every answer, and feel guilty for stupid things like spontaneously stopping at In-N-Out for french fries.

Yesterday was one of those days.

The peak of my anxiety came when I got stuck in traffic on my way to Target. I was in a rush–eager for precious time to myself while Anna played with a babysitter. Sitting in traffic felt like a waste of money and time. I had so many other important things to do! Soon I found myself questioning every decision I’d made that day. I should have taken a different road. I should have planned out my afternoon better. I shouldn’t have volunteered to bring graham crackers to church childcare tomorrow which would have saved me a trip to Target. I shouldn’t be having someone watch Anna to begin with… I should be at home in the backyard with my baby playing in the sunshine. 

The voices in my head can steal my peace if I let them.

The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me

It doesn’t hurt enough to make me forget

One moment of relief is never long enough

To keep the voices in my head

From stealing my peace

Oh, control

It’s time, time to let you go

Perfection has a price

But I cannot afford to live that life

It always ends the same; a fight I never win

Control by JJ Heller

When I ran into Target the phone rang. Jonathan. The results from his PET scan had come back already–and with happiness in his voice he shared the all clear!  No cancer. A healthy body. Winning a fight he has little control over. Life is certainly  given a new perspective after such a phone call.

As I walked out of Target, my mood so different than when I’d parked the car minutes before, my eyes filled with tears.  I am so grateful for Jonathan’s life, our life, and our new life to come. 

As much as I’d like to believe that yesterday’s traffic anxiety was in no way connected to Jonathan’s scan, I’m certain it was. My grasping for control in the little things was an unconscious response to not being able to control the the biggest thing of all: Jonathan’s health.

For the next four years our family gets frequent reminders that life is not in our hands.  Scans force us to pray more, hope more and trust more. I can embrace these opportunities as chances to abandon myself to God’s leading or I can continue to try and do things on my own.

But, why should I? If He’s in the big things, He’s in the little things too.

photo credit: sgs_1019 via photopin cc

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4 comments
PC
PC

It seems you have anxious moments, stories, and phone calls from Jonathan at Target. Maybe don't go there anymore. :0)

Ashlee
Ashlee

Oh, friend. I am writing a chapter all about this topic in my ebook. Remember that one time I spent an entire night lying upside down on an ironing board with frozen fried rice on the top of my tummy, desperately trying to stay in control and turn my breech baby around? Yeeeeeeah. I like to think God was laughing at me a little bit over that one. Goodness. So happy that Jonathan's scan came back clear! Really, it's the best news I've heard all month.

Tim
Tim

He's in the little things too - amen for that, Lesley! He's with the baby inside you, he's with Anna when someone else is watching her, he's in Jonathan's cells when they're being PET-scanned, and he's with you when you're walking into Target and when you're walking out of Target. What a God we have. Tim