There’s really no other way to start this post other than to be blunt and to the point.
On Friday I peed my pants in the Target parking lot.
Some of you could really care less about how this incident happened. I don’t blame you. You’re totally grossed out. I get it. So am I. A few others are skimming ahead, salivating for the full story. I don’t blame you either. For crying out loud- I’m 29 years old and I was wearing skinny jeans. Surely you are thinking, “HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!?” I know. I know.
Here’s the background. On Friday I was sick with an infection. I don’t think I need to go into the type of infection–this is a family show after all. (Hi DAD!) I had waited about 24 hours to get into my doctor who confirmed my worst suspicions- this girl needed antibiotics. STAT. I was bummed and worried about the baby, and pictured her fussing up her little face inside my belly. Surely she felt as uncomfortable as I did. Sorry, little one.
Anyway, as soon as I got the prescription, I drove to Target. As luck would have it the pharmacist was on her lunch break. With this type of infection I needed to use the restroom quite frequently so I plopped down at a table next to the employee restroom, and dug my Trader Joe’s salad out of my purse. No shame here. I picnicked in Target as if I had not a care in the world, although I had plenty.
I love Target. It’s like a land flowing with milk and honey…and beautiful kitchen items, stationary, shoes and makeup. There I was on a Friday afternoon, with 25 free minutes left until the pharmacist was back on duty. I could have sat near the restroom and read a magazine. Against my better judgement I decided to limp around the store looking for important necessities like Tylenol, a bottle of water, a Snickers bar (protein!), Q-tips and a living room rug.
As luck wouldn’t have it- I found the rug I’d been searching for. A brown and sandy shag masterpiece at only $94.00. I couldn’t walk away from it, literally and figuratively. Who, in their right mind, decides to actually haul a huge rug out of Target when she’s sick and pregnant? ME. I awkwardly plopped the rug into my cart, and after ripping open my Tylenol, marched (not-so-confidently) back to the pharmacy where I picked up my pills and paid. Then I hobbled to the exit only to discover it had started to rain.
The scene: Umbrella in left hand. Right hand on cart handle. Hair flying. Rug getting wet. Bladder not so happy.
…you know where this is going…
Of course the cart wouldn’t stay in one place when I reached the car. Of course the rug wouldn’t fit in the back seat so I had to put the rear seats down. Of course I was worried the precious rug was getting soaked. And, of course I had to pee…that’s why I was at Target in the first place.
And that’s when it happened…right then and there…my pants as wet as a toddler’s. All I could do was scan the parking lot. Who was watching this incident unfold?
I found it humiliating. And hilarious. After hurling my shopping bags into the car, and then shoving the cart as hard as I could, I crawled into the front seat where I sat on top of my nice wool coat. I pulled out my Snickers bar. I pulled out my antibiotics. And I started to laugh. I muttered over and over… “I cannot believe that just happened. I really cannot believe that just happened.”
But it did happen, and I hope it never happens again. It’s a good story though, right? Yup.
p.s. I was really nervous to post this. I mean, my co-workers read this. Surely they will think I’m odd…but then again they work with me so they already know I am. I sent a draft to my mom and girlfriends to read first. They told me to post it. One of them admitted she once peed her pants in Walmart. All of a sudden, I feel so much better. At least I was outside…